


Are These Teeth?

by snarry_splitpea



Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Crack, M/M, Mild Gore, Teeth
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-03
Updated: 2016-11-03
Packaged: 2018-08-28 21:05:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 998
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8462899
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/snarry_splitpea/pseuds/snarry_splitpea
Summary: In which Dorian Pavus forgets to remove what appears to be a necklace of human teeth before bed and Iron Bull gets pretty annoying about it. (This is Crack.  I make no apologies for how much you hate me, after.)





	

Iron Bull had never been one to fall backwards off a bed and skitter across the floor on his hands, ass, and feet.  Yet, there had been something so unsettling about the clacking jewelry draped across Dorian's collarbone that he couldn't manage to stay upright and keep their kissing faces attached.  In fact, he had more questions now than he'd ever had in his entire life and perhaps they wouldn't find time before morning to recommit themselves to the task of getting off.

"Are those... teeth?" asked Iron Bull as he began the arduous task of dragging his bulky, middle-aged body back across the room to where his boyfriend sat.  Joyous adrenaline during battle was one thing.  Horror in the bedroom, quite another.

Dorian had already pulled the necklace off and sat with it balled up in his fists and tucked them into the cloth across his hips.  Though Iron Bull could no longer see the polished molars, he still trembled at the thought.

"They're human teeth?" asked Iron Bull as he positioned himself back on the bed.  Then suddenly stood because sitting on the bed next to The Teeth was just too much to handle.

"They're qunari teeth," whispered Dorian into his own collar.  He had his chin tucked into his chest and couldn't bear to look at the other man. "I usually take all my necromancy gear off before you touch me.  I was just... too distracted, tonight."

Iron Bull chuckled a bit at his admission.  After all, he'd teased the man all through dinner and was glad his attention could excite Dorian past reason.  However, he'd rather not have seen the teeth.  Which were, now that he thought about it, too large to be from human mouths. Mouths.  Because there were too many.  Packed tight on a long garland and double draped around Dorian's neck.  Hundreds of goddamn teeth.

"All... your gear?" asked Iron Bull as he reached out to lightly drag a finger down Dorian's neck.  A neck that had been between his teeth many times. A beautiful neck. Yet, now... perhaps... defiled?  Iron Bull couldn't break he image of the necklace even with it gone.  He pulled his hand away.

"Well, you've seen the skulls on my staffs.  I have at least seven with actual human skulls," Dorian, a bit defiant, let his eyes climb up to meet Bull's.

"Yeah, but it's not like you're wearing them on your own head!" Bull responded, his arms wildly gesturing as his nerves got the best of him.

"Isn't your favorite helmet a literal bull skull?"

"It's... a bull.  An animal.  That's like wearing leather breeches."

"Exactly!" Dorian's confidence was returning and he sat up straighter.  Stuck his chin out. "You cover your own body in animal -skin- all the time."

"Dorian, animal hides and people's teeth aren't really the same..." Iron Bull paused. "Are they for a spell?"

Dorian sighed.  "Oh, Andraste."

"What?"

"They're... kind of... trophies."

Iron Bull stared.

And stared.

"And you people think qunari are savages."

"I don't!  And... and don't any of you keep trophies?"

"I mean, a civilized Qun member might keep a Dragon skull or like a... a bull one.  Not people's teeth. Dorian, that's disgusting!"

Dorian snorted as he sank back into his own chest.  Bent his body forward and propped his elbows on his knees. The chain of teeth clattered around in his hands and part of a strand tumbled from between his fingers.  Iron Bull wanted to comfort him but also didn't want to touch him.

"But you said 'gear' as if the necklace wasn't the only thing?" Iron Bull asked.  Not entirely sure he wanted to know more.

"I've got a pair of shoes..." Dorian murmured.  His tone was miserable.  That of a grudging confession. Iron Bull's curiosity wouldn't let him turn away and he urged Dorian to continue.  "From the side it just looks like ridged ivory... Lady Vivienne always comments on their opulence. ...But from the bottom one can tell the soles are just all teeth.  Human ones."

Iron Bull nodded.  He was going to make himself be okay with Dorian wearing an abundance of teeth like some war lord or forest witch.

"There's that spell book you like... The one with the dragons embossed on the cover," Dorian added.

"No.  No no no," Iron Bull was shaking his head.

"The leather..."

"OH, FUCK NO!  DORIAN, I'VE CARESSED THE DAMN THING!!!!"

Dorian snickered. "Lovingly, I might add. ...dwarf skin."

Iron Bull paced quickly across the room as if to leave.  Paused at the door.  Skittered back.  "Don't you dare tell me what's in that pouch I always ask about.  Just never fucking say..."

"Dried elf ears."

"AAAAAAAAGGGGHHHHH"

"You knew I was a necromancer when we met!!!"

"IS THAT HOW YOU GET THE ELF MAGE CONSTRUCTS TO FIGHT FOR US!?"

"You know we can't just summon something from nothing!  There has to be a body!"

"I WONDERED WHY THEY ALWAYS HAD ON THE SAME CLOTHES!  IT'S THE SAME ELVES.  THEY LIVE ON YOUR HIP!!!"

"You're okay when I resurrect fallen soldiers on the battlefield..."

"Having one more fight before the crows pick you apart is different from... living on some guys hip, forever."

"Well, they're not alive" Dorian grumbled. "So, what is this?  Am I being dumped for doing my job??" Dorian couldn't help but sound like he was pouting. His arms were folded and foot tapping.  He always did that when he was trying to pretend not to be terrified.

Iron Bull sighed.

He loved this creepy, terrifying, death-obsessed mage.  He even swallowed hard and rubbed one great big hand on Dorian's shoulder.

"You don't put any weird shit around your cock, do you?"

Horrified, Dorian looked up at him with his mouth wide open.

"Well, since I'll assume that's a no... I'm gonna just... leave while you to put those things away..." Iron Bull offered as he approached Dorian's door. "Just call me back in when you... you're -alone- on the bed."


End file.
